A Lack of Cents
by Rb
Summary: Rb jumps on the self-insertion bandwagon. Warning! Utter stupidity!


A Lack of Cents  
by Rb  
  
WARNING: This fanfic contains much graphic stupidity. Aside from that, there's a ton of innuendo and swearing. Like you'd expect any less from Sailor D@mnit. :P  
  
Lessee...this is supposed to be a self-insert fic. If I mentioned a fanfic writer or story in a disparaging way, there's no offense intended, 'cept towards the AniTV show and their portrayals of the characters. If there is a fanfic writer of the age of 14 named Stanley that writes fics like the one I mentioned...you have a sick, sad mind and I pity you.  
  
I don't own Animorphs, the AniTV show, or anything mentioned in this fic except for the fanfic itself and Arbee. With that done, here's the fic!  
  
***  
  
Rachel and Marco laid in the hayloft of Cassie's barn and kissed wildly.  
  
"Oh, baby..." Marco groaned.  
  
"Oh, Marco..." Rachel moaned. "Let's kiss more."  
  
"What about Tobias?" Marco asked, clothing tousled, showing off his muscled arms. Straw was stuck in his hair, making him look even more attractive than usual.  
  
"What about the stupid bird?" she asked, kissing him again, placing her slender white arms around his neck. "You're more man then he'll ever be," she whispered huskily. "Take me here and now."  
  
The NC-17 moment was broken by a woman's voice shrieking "STANLEY!"  
  
"What, Mom?" a pimply-faced boy of fourteen asked, peeling away from the computer screen.  
  
"Your dinner is ready, Stanley," his mother said.  
  
Stanley sighed and clicked save. Then he closed the file and left the computer.  
  
"Thank GOD!" Rachel said, pulling herself away from Marco.  
  
"I HATE acting in the TV show fics," Marco said, shuddering. "These muscles are a pain to put on!" He pulled out a safety pin and started to pop his 'muscles'.  
  
"Dying and redying my hair is such a bitch," Rachel agreed, fixing her makeup.  
  
Jake walked in the barn and collapsed on a bundle of hay. "This is just great."  
  
"What?" Marco asked, climbing down from the hayloft.  
  
"My stunt double just quit. Am I supposed to freakin do the dangerous scenes myself?"  
  
"Well, at least you do stuff in fics!" Cassie said. "I only moan and groan about morals."  
  
< And all I do is stare at Rachel! > Tobias complained.   
  
"Isn't that what you do anyway?"  
  
Tobias ignored that comment.  
  
Ax sighed. He had peeled off his Andalite face mask but was still in the rest of the costume. "And I, like, wow, I must confess, oh, baby, I still believe that all of thuh fanfic authors still think of me as, like, someone who can only eat chocolate and play around with words," he said in one of his almost indecipherable accents. Ax liked accents.  
  
"Wait. What are we all doing here?" Cassie said.  
  
"Yeah!" Jake exclaimed. "How did we all get here?"  
  
There was a cough. "Plot hole," a new voice chimed in sweetly. "Of course."  
  
Everyone looked to the new character. She was beautiful, very tall and thin, with long dark thick hair in a ponytail that reached her waist and dark eyes that seemed to pierce into their souls. She was wearing a dark purple leotard and tights which looked great on her and showed off her perfect body. And her teeth were perfectly straight and white.   
  
In other words, she was a fanfic writer.  
  
"Who are you?" Marco asked.  
  
"Arbee," she answered.  
  
"Rb? Why does that name sound so familiar?" Cassie asked.  
  
"Are you the person that keeps sendng me threatening notes to 'give up the bird or else?'" Rachel asked suspiciously.  
  
< And the girl who keeps trying to get one of my tail feathers? >  
  
"And, like, the girl-"  
  
"Wait! No!" Arbee cried. "I'm not Rb! I'm ARBEE!"  
  
She was greeting with six blank stares.  
  
"You know, how Esdee is different from SD and Encee is different from NC and Seejee is different from CG? Well, Arbee is different from Rb!"  
  
"......"  
  
"I SPELL it differently!"  
  
There was a collective "Oh."  
  
"Anyway, let's start a fic!" Arbee said.  
  
Marco groaned. "Where the script?" he asked with a sinking feeling in his stomach.  
  
"What script?" Arbee asked blankly. "I thought we could just, um, you know, ad lib it!"  
  
Jake started hitting himself over the head with a piece of wood with the words "large blunt object" enscribed on it.  
  
"But we have to have a script, or at least a plot," Cassie said.  
  
"Oh! Yeah!" Arbee bit her lip, still looking perfect. "Well, um, I guess...I'm walking in the woods, and I hear thought-speech, and I walk in, and I find out that you guys are Animorphs, and I become one...and then, like, we'll figure out the rest?"  
  
"Don't ya' dink it's audi-fivein' t'be hard t'bod direct and act?" Ax asked in his indecipherable homey-speak. Apparently, the author is not the only one who suffers from having split personalities.  
  
"Uh, no?" Arbee replied sweetly and blinded everyone by revealing her pearly-white teeth.  
  
"Who narrates the story?" Rachel asked, blinking rapidly.  
  
"Hmm. How about...um...Tobias narrates the first chapter, because I'm going to be his sister-"  
  
< Another one? > Tobias moaned. < Gah, I hate this! I have like ten new siblings because of these damn fanfics! I can't pay for all of these birthday presents! >  
  
"Um, half-sister, and then I'll narrate, and then Marco, 'cause he has to fall in love with me, and then Rachel, and then um, Ax maybe?"  
  
"Off cuoorse-a. Certeeenly. I'd lufe-a tu! I'll be-a mooch oobleeged!"  
  
"...or not," Arbee sighed. "Um, let's start!"  
  
"Oh, great, one of those "let's-switch-narrators-ever-paragraph!" stories!" Jake muttered. "They make my head hurt."  
  
"What's the budget?"  
  
"Fifty-six cents and a piece of bubblegum."  
  
"In other words, this is one shot, with any mistakes having to be kept in?"  
  
"Uh, yeah?"  
  
Rachel gave a look to the other Animorphs. "Pathetic," she sniffed.  
  
"Anyway, let's get on with the show!" Arbee said. "Places everyone! Where are the lyrics that correlate with the song?" A paper was thrust into her hand. "Good. Lights on me!"  
  
She smiled and sang (well, Brandy was actually singing, but Arbee was good at faking it. She took lessons from Britney Spears):  
  
"My, my, this Anakin guy, maybe Vader someday later now he's just a small fry. He left his home, kissed his mommy goodbye, saying soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."  
  
Marco raised an eyebrow. "That's..appropriate."  
  
"Sorry. The Jewel lyrics were misplaced."  
  
"Thank Gah," someone muttered.  
  
"Would you rather I had planned for Backstreet Boys lyrics? 'I want it my bloody way, dammit!'"  
  
All of the Animorphs shut up.  
  
"Tobias, begin!" Arbee hissed.  
  
< My name is Tobias. > He paused as he tried to figure out the shortest way of summarizing the whole long plot. If the budget was so low, he didn't need to have long, winded-out explanantions to expand his paycheck. < I'm an Animorph, but if you're reading this piece of b.s. you already know all of that crap so let's get on with it. >  
  
Cassie whistled. "Smooth."  
  
< Thanks. We were discussing our latest insane plot... > Tobias looked meaningfully at Marco.  
  
"Uh...I'm telling you, this is insane!" Marco adlibbed.  
  
Everyone waited.  
  
"Oh, whoops, my line? Um...no, it isn't!" Rachel finally answered.  
  
"Yes it is!"  
  
"No it isn't!"  
  
"Yes it...oh, dammit, I can't do this anymore!"  
  
"Cut!" Arbee yelled hastily. She glomped on Marco. "What's wrong, Pookie?"  
  
"I need a script for this! I can't..." Marco turned very red. "Arbee, are you doing what Im think you're doing?"  
  
"I'm just preparing for a later scene..."  
  
Marco exploded, blood rushing from his nose. "Dammit, Arbee, we can't do that! I have a contract!"  
  
"Yes, your contract is explicitedly stated in NS's 'Legal Eagles'. Nowhere does it state that I can't have a lemon scene!"  
  
_[* NS's fic 'Legal Eagles' is one of the funniest fics ever dealing with the writing of fanfics. So what if it's a cheap plug for my friend's fic ((which happens to be on my page) ), it's a fanfic, I am the author, I can do whatever the hell I want! Oooh...power. Shiiiny...]_  
  
"We...uhhhh...dammit, give me a script!"  
  
Arbee's lovely eyes fluttered in surprised as she scribled on a piece of notebook paper, photocopied it, and gave a copy to everyone.   
  
"Uh, yes..." Marco cleared his throat. The cameras started rolling. "This plan is the most insane of all of the insane plans we've ever done in our entire insane life!"  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Rachel...your line..." Cassie prompted.  
  
"Oh. Sorry. Let's do it," Rachel said listlessly.  
  
Suddenly, the special effects guy woke up and pushed a button. Smoke billowed up and Arbee walked in. The Animorphs would have noticed, but they were too busy coughing and wheezing on the smoke.  
  
"Oh...um...Pidgeotto, go!" Arbee yelled in true Ash Ketchum style, pushing a red and white baseball cap around on her head and getting her ponytail stuck in it. "Whirlwind all of the smoke away!"  
  
Unfortunately for Arbee, Pokemon aren't real, and only exist in her gameboy, which she'd already beaten and gotten all 150 Pokemon in the space of three hours with her pokemon at level 500. She then used her self-insertion powers to get rid of the smoke.  
  
"Who are you?" Jake wheezed. Cassie helped him out by giving him a great big THWAP with a mallet.  
  
"I am Arbee, the daughter of Loren and her husband Al Fangor! I was raised by the Yeerks but realized they were evil! I was then given to Lirem to train and was given the morphing power, even though I'm a human female! I'm the best warrior there ever was, and am capable of stopping an Andalite's tail AND making fries better than Julianne with a sneeze!"  
  
All of the Animorphs applauded.  
  
"Why are you bloody wearing a morphing outift?" Ax asked in a perfect British accent.  
  
"Ax! What are you doing HUMAN? She could be YEERKED!" Jake screeched in Ax's ear.  
  
"I'm human? Shimatta..." No one noticed that Ax had started the sentence in English and ended in Japanese. Ax watched too many early-morning Anime.  
  
"But I'm not," Arbee replied calmly. "And I'm wearing a morphing suit because I'm also the best morpher ever! I can morph in 2.5 seconds to whatever animal I want, regardless of whether it exists or not!"  
  
Several newspaper reporters rushed in and started snapping pictures. Then they conveniently disappeared.  
  
Jake nodded. "Okay. Arbee's our new Animorph!"  
  
Rachel put on the seventies music record. "Ceeeeeeeleeebraaate good times, come on!"  
  
Arbee took two steps. "Mother may I take another eensy-weensy-perfectly-lady-like--OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BROTHER?" ARBEE ASKED AS SHE ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED THE CAPS LOCK KEY.  
  
< What?...Oh, my god, you're my half-sister! I thought you were dead!" tobyus whumpered. In the middle of his sentence, he was changed to human but kept his morphing power, 'cause the ellimist damn straight wanted to, and if that's a good enough reason for the author, it better be good enough for you!  
  
"Brrroooooooother!" Arbee yelled happily.  
  
"Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssteeeer!" Tobias screamed as they had a touching moment in the middle of the barn. Rachel got jealous and grabbed Tobias and did unmentionable things to him as they entered a closet.  
  
"But Tobias has to *narrate*!" Arbee shrieked. "He can't be in the closet!"  
  
Jake winced from the senseless abuse of asteriks as Tobias came out of the closet. Insert tasteless joke here.  
  
"But I don't WANNA!"  
  
Stop whining. You're the author incarnate. Why do you have to whine so damn much?   
  
"*Because* I'm the author incarnate."  
  
Uh...um...DAMN!  
  
"Hey, author?" Rachel asked, watching Arbee carefully. "What's with all the hells and damns and tasteless innuendo?"  
  
I thought the Animorphs series could use a little livening up.  
  
"But not in that way!"  
  
Shut up, Rachel, or I'll make you get impregnated by Jake. Again. Or I'll take you off the Pill and put you in a romance fic with Ax.   
  
Rachel's face crumpled. However, Cassie, Jake, and Marco started marching around protesting. "We're a PG series! We can't be subjected to this senseless--!"  
  
They were interrupted by Ax blowing on a trumpet. Loudly. And painfully.  
  
Tobias said or did nothing, for he appreciated the inneundo. A man after my own heart!  
  
"Um...Author?" Jake questioned tentatively. "Your self-inserted character is Tobias's sister...isn't that incest?"  
  
Shut up, Jake, and dance the mazurka with Cassie.  
  
And behold, there was the Mazurka-dancing. And it was Good.  
  
"Hey, um, not to sound rude or anything, but isn't there supposed to be a plot of some sort?" Marco asked tentatively.  
  
Oh yeah. Arbee, go jump on him and remove his shirt or something.  
  
Arbee did so.  
  
Marco started crying. "This is NOT what I meant!"  
  
Hmm...now, for Ax...  
  
The author's friend "L" (to protect the identity of the idiot...um...innocent) was magically transported in.  
  
"Ing!" she said upon seeing Ax, who had demorphed into his Andalite form.  
  
< Ing? Ing? Someone who appreciates the power of the syllable Ing? I have found my soulmate! >  
  
Ax and "L" ran off to Tahiti together. Excellent...now to check on Arbee and Marco...  
  
"AAAAH! Marco, what have you *DONE*?" Arbee screamed.  
  
< I morphed gorilla. Apparently, someone was exaggerating when she said that she was the all-powerful morpher. >  
  
Arbee whimpered. "Please untie me from this pole."  
  
< No! I have waited too long, suffering through countless bad fanfics that made me do unspeakable things! >  
  
"But this can't happen...I am a V.I.W..." Arbee searched through her purse. "*WHAT???* My V.I.W. appointment was FAKE? D.M.P., how could you!? I've been writing fanfics since before you knew to say 'She sells seashells by the seashore!'"  
  
< Hah! > Marco cried. < Go D.M.P.! You rule, even though you're completely psycho! >  
  
Oddly enough, Cassie and Jake kept mazurking and Rachel and Tobias kept..(O_O) Let's get on with the fic.  
  
< I have the POWER! > Marco yelled as he pushed a large red button.  
  
"What...what's that?" Arbee whimpered.  
  
{Hiya, Marco. You rang?}  
  
< Hi, K.A.A., the blessed goddess. We have another wannabe fanfic writer here. Can ya...dispose...of her? >  
  
"K.A.A. is HERE? In my fanfic?" Arbee would have started bowing, but she was tied to the pole.  
  
{Yep. Hi, Arbee. I believe you've been mistreating my characters.}  
  
"But it's my first offense!"  
  
{You have appeared in other fanfics...}  
  
"I appeared in maybe three of them!" Arbee raged. "I was one of the first fanfiction writers! I wrote fanfics before the AniTV show came out! I wrote fanfics before half of the current fanfic writers started writing fanfics! I hit the number one spot SEVERAL times for BOTH 'Highest Rated' and 'Most Read'! I wrote the first ever Everworld fic! You liked 'The Night', right? I mean, it got nominated for the best romance fic of the year! I won second place! If it wasn't for the fact that Forlay had, um, convinced Blaire and the other judges to let her win, I would have had first! It's not fair! All I ever do in fanfics is sit around a fire and fall in love with the Russian version of James Bond! Kirby was only named after me! And that reminds me! Tobiasrulz, I want a divorce! I caught you cheating on me with Mette!" Arbee's perfect face was contorted with tears. "It's...not...FAIR!"  
  
"Hey, I thought you weren't Rb," Rachel said, looking up from her game of tongue-twister with Tobias.  
  
Arbee shrugged. "I'm one of the split personalities. I got the best looks out of all of them. We have a single collective memeory, but I prefer not to be associated with the others. They do weird stuff like have their hair burst into flame and smacking people with frying pans. Me, I go for the superdeformed mode."  
  
"Oh," Rachel said and turned back to Tobias.  
  
{That's all very well and good, but I have to punish you somehow. Hmm. I think I'll go for the spoiling mode. I'm gonna tell you what Jalil's secret is. BEFORE you get EW #4! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!}  
  
Cassie looked up while doing the Mazurka. "Hasn't that evil laugh been copyrighted?"  
  
Jake shrugged. "Who's gonna yell at K.A.A. for using their laugh?"  
  
"True. Ow! Jake, that was my foot!"  
  
Tears streamed down Arbee's cheeks. "K.A.A...you wouldn't be that cruel...I...I...it's the first book I ever asked specifically not to be spoiled..I've been waiting for months, since I first heard that Jalil had a secret...and I even made a Top Ten list...th-the mailtruck is coming down the street...it has to have my Amazon.com package..."  
  
{It's your fault for writing a self-insertion fanfic.}  
  
And the secret of Jalil was known to Arbee. Arbee fled the fanfic in tears. Ax came back from Tahiti, without "L". Tobias demorphed to a hawk. Marco demorphed to a human. Cassie and Jake stopped dancing. Rachel started gargling mouthwash. ("I spent half the fanfic playing TONGUE-TWISTER?" < It was kind of more like Tag... > "Stop it, you perverted hawk!")  
  
< "YAY!" > the six of them cheered.   
  
"Another bad fanfic writer GONE!" Cassie yelled, excited.   
  
< Thank Gah, > Ax said solemnly.  
  
"You mean, thank K.A.A.," Rachel corrected.  
  
"Three cheers for K.A.A.!" Jake said.  
  
< "Go K.A.A.!" >  
  
< "Go K.A.A.!" >  
  
< "Go K.A.A.!" >  
  
{It was nothing. Be careful about fanfic writers from now on, guys.}  
  
K.A.A. disappeared.  
  
The six Animorphs grinned.  
  
And...  
  
And Stanley finished his dinner and started working on his hentai Brooke'n'Boris--er, Rachel'n'Marco--fanfic.  
  
Rachel and Marco found themselves alone in the barn. Rachel brown-eyed and brunette. Marco with balloons up his shirt and hands on Rachel.  
  
Rachel screamed in horror.   



End file.
